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[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
[wedding day of the girl that got away]
any reason why these two shouldn’t be married, speak now or forev[sound of a dirt bike approaching]
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
You can learn a lot from a woman wielding a knife. For example, your top running speed.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
Wife: what are you watching?
Me: See II
Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?
Me: not till it’s over
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
I was 3 yrs old when my mom was diagnosed with my brother.
My doctor said I need to drink more water every day, so I have started putting ice cubes in my vodka.
My car has the innate super power of knowing when I have any extra money and spontaneously breaking down.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I’m caught between needing new glasses and having already seen too much.
[Last Supper]
Jesus:”We need 13 chairs please”
Judas:”But chairs don’t fall into common usage until the 16th century AD”
Jesus:”AD?”
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
I tossed and turned so much last night that I woke up with an ab.
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
i love playing rock paper scissors they never expect me to pull a glock out of my pocket
[being haunted]
Me: *tries to text ghostbusters*
Ghost: actually you have to call them, they’re pretty specific about that
Me:
Ghost:
Me: you know what being haunted is fine