What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
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I need better friends
My son just informed me that they have been out of soap in the kids’ bathroom for 2 days, but not to worry because he’s been using conditioner to wash his hands.
*sets cauldron over crackling fire*
*adds lock of his hair*
*does magicky stuff*Now love me.
**POOF**
*my left eyebrow falls off*
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
I’m Sold!
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
I think my mom just blocked me
“Sorry, are you…?”
“Oh… no! No, I’m not, sorry…”
“Ah! That’s ok, haha, thanks, sorry”
“Sorry”Transcript of a Brit asking another Brit if they’re in the queue
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
I’m completely over my ex, is the name of my poem to her
I had a really, really bad pizza stomachache once, so I don’t want to hear your whine stories about labor pain, ladies.
my phone died right in front of me and now i’m Batman
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
I hate it when healthy me does the groceries, because now fat me needs a snack.
[robbing bank]
leader: go in & grab everything you can
*i go in to grab loot*
Me: (yanking pen chain, increasingly panicked) no no No NO NO-
[Whoville]
Neighbor: Man the Grinch sucks
Me: Yeah he’s kinda grumpy I guess
Neighbor: Nah man he’s a real piece of shit
Me: Seems harsh
Neighbor: *pulls out tuba* I wrote a song about how much I hate him
Me: Ok this is starting to feel like bullying
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
Warning:
This movie contains “Adult Themes” such as interest rates, bad knees, back pain, and excitement about going to bed early.
I wonder about the people who unfollow after one day. What were they expecting, Louis C.K.?
[at the ballet]
“Their feet must be killing them. Why don’t they just hire taller ballerinas?”
my premium snap prices:
-pics of me crying: $5
-videos of me crying: $10
-videos of me crying in the mirror while throwing the peace sign: $15
Dolphins kill more people than sharks. The difference is that dolphins know how to hide a body.
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.