My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
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got three hours sleep & i fell great! seems li the less less sleep I get the move alarr et u ambdcim
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it
ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Just when I thought I had my life together. I found my missing shoe in the microwave.
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
Galactus is about to eat our solar system when he flips over the label
WARNING: CONTAINS MERCURY
“No thanks, I’ll eat something else.”
Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
They should just report when there WASN’T a shooting in Florida at this point
A five year old girl is headed to
the National Spelling Bee finals.And I just had to use autocorrect
to spell “embarrassed”I’m so emb-
My Girlfriend has spent the last 2 hours checking out every guy she sees.
I’m considering asking her to stop working in that Hotel Reception.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
her: i hate when people overanalyze everything in movies
me: [slowly concealing my notebook filled with inconsistencies and plot holes in the toy story saga] lol yeah me too
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
A guy I know was flirting with the cashier, and she ignored him. When he said “How about a thank you?” She leaned toward him, and said “It’s printed on your receipt.”
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.