BULLY: [rolling up sleeves] you wanna take this outside?
ME: yes, yes i do. it’s so beautiful out there today. a truly gorgeous day
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IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”
ME: I make all my decisions by rolling dice
DATE: Ok
WAITER: Can I get you any drinks?
ME: Yes I’ll have-
[rolls dice]
-six beers please
In China it’s considered bad luck to be eaten by a lion.
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.
If you accidentally get stuck holding the door for a bunch of people. 1. Relax 2. Accept your fate 3. You are part of the building now
What happens in Vegas shows up on your credit card statement the following month.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
Human are so complicated
Coffee will wake you up, but have you ever tried falling down a flight of stairs?
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
“What’s up, doc?” says Bugs Bunny. “Not you,” laughs the doctor. “Take these little blue pills.”
*Looney Tunes music plays*
Saw an article on Facebook that a local bank was robbed. It had one like. They should probably look at that person as the robbery suspect.
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.
The moral of Snow White is if a woman poisons you because you’re prettier than her, find some men to chase her off a cliff while you sleep.