If you see a guy in an executioner’s hood feeding a deer into a Coinstar today just let me do my thing.
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God: you’re a parrot.
Parrot: ok.
God: you can repeat everything you hear.
Parrot: humans are the worst.
God: uh what?
Parrot: i’ll prolly kill them in a flood soon.
God:
Parrot:
God: what’s it gonna take to keep this quiet?
Parrot: I wanna live in a tropical paradise.
HBO decided to rename themselves “Max” instead of so many other solid guy names like “Kevin” or “Brian”.
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Cave rescue is going to make an incredible movie, can’t wait to see Scarlett Johansson inspire in her role as 12 Thai boys.
Sometimes I like to purchase every item on a person’s Amazon wish list for myself and then let them know I’m living their best life
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
“Let’s circle back”
– Lame corporate jargon
– No flair
– Boring“Let’s do the hokey pokey and turn this thing around”
– Unconventional
– Also useful at weddings
– Decisive (shows leadership)
– That’s what it’s all about
Scientists: we discovered a worm that eats plastic
Worm: wait we’re eating what
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Directions: Allow food to sit for five minutes before consuming.
Me: No.
Me: *pressed against glass* they can’t keep us apart, they can’t deny our love, you’re my lobster
Aquarium owner: *into walkie talkie* security
Me: *being dragged away* WAIT FOR ME LEONARDO DA PINCHI
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
be careful
I used 5 different things as a napkin today and one of them was my neighbour.
A brother from my ward really ticked me off this week, so I made sure to get my family to church early and take the pew his family usually sits in.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
[spelling bee]
your word is ‘hors d’oeuvre’
“can you use it in a sentence?”
yes…’I bet this kid can’t spell hors d’oeuvre’
The worst words a parent can hear: I’m not tired
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Hogwarts – a magical school or a pig venereal disease? Inquiring minds wanna know
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.