My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
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Imagine being a medium and having to talk to dead people as well as living people. That’s too many people.
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Got a $15000 parking fine!!..I didn’t see a sign saying you couldn’t park on pedestrians.
Kid: I don’t like cheese
Also kid: why isn’t there cheese in my sandwich?
Me: I like the funny horse cartoon
Bojack: you inherit your parents’ trauma but you will never fully understand it
Me: haha the cops a cat
Overheard in hair salon: “I have LITERALLY no shorts. Like I seriously have only 4 or 5 pairs of shorts.”
This is why I can’t stand people.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
If I’m at a bar with live music, I always tip the piano player. I love watching them slide off the bench.
And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?
Drive thru cashier:
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
Me : Sorry I’m late. The clocks changing confuses everybody, right?
Boss : Ron, it’s been 2 years. You emailed me saying you were dead.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that does karate
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
[Lingerie store]
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear for my wife.
ASSISTANT: Satin?
ME: No, I’d prefer new ones.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
Interviewer: So why did you leave your last job?
Me: Someone found out my birthday and decorated my cubicle with balloons.
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.