Danny Zuko: I got chills, they’re multiplying…
Sandy: Gross. You probably have a stomach bug.
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People who think I’m boring should see the Excel spreadsheet I’ve designed to present all the data to the contrary. The macros alone will convince you.
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
I used to believe in International Women’s Day… then I realised it was just my dad sneaking into my room, dressed as an International Woman.
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Indiana Jones: It belongs in a museum!
Me: *running away* Leave my sexy booty alone
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
A pet hedgehog. Because you don’t have enough pricks in your life.
[on a date with a houseplant]
Me: everything ok? you hardly touched your dinner.
Houseplant: Yes, I’m just eating light
At least broken people are interesting. You can’t fix boring.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked?? It’s not like your clothes die too…
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
The date abruptly ended when an argument over who’s the hottest Disney princess spiralled out of control.
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
” Don’t be upset”
Thanks man , I needed to be told that
I’m better now.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
Neighbor kid brought other kids to visit today and I’m thinking about sending them all home with cats. That’s the risk you take when you let your children wander into my yard.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.
Gandalf: A wizard is never late, nor is he early; he arrives precisely when he means to.
Mrs Gandalf: *glares into the camera*