Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
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*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…
Then I threw clock at her face.
me: *sees a dead bird* this is a bad omen
wife: you’re ruining thanksgiving
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Google. Filling the gaps in public education.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Nobody has ever been more surprised than a husband hearing about his wife’s plans for the second time.
Argue with me at your own risk. I have cutting comebacks a week later when I’m in the shower.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
No horror movie can surpass the sensation of touching your pockets and not feeling your cell phone.
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
last night the host of the halloween costume party I attended got ziploc bags out at 10pm sharp, told everyone to take food and go home. 100/10 no notes
So my dog’s pregnant & she’s never been in contact with another dog & I’m having a lot of accusations thrown my way.
Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Mini-horses are like mini-donuts, you can’t just eat one
PILOT: This isn’t funny, Ed. Let me in
COPILOT: *over intercom* Hey everyone, who’d like to hear a passage from the captain’s dream journal?
Husband: wanna have a quickie?
Me: As opposed to what?
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.