I remember back in the day when you had to roll up a tiny scroll and give it to a falcon to tweet
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Doctor: so, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet: TENNIS
I’m a kid at heart and a senior citizen at knees and back.
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
I hope that when I die I’ll say something cool like, “I’m splitsville, baby! Gone-zo!” instead of something stupid like “AAURGH”
My gf thought it was so cute when she found out I owned a pair of tap shoes
Until I got drunk, and put them on
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
message to the girl on the skateboard who almost rode into me because she was taking an enormous bite of a hotdog and not paying attention: i love you. you are my wife now. i will never hurt you.
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
This ATM will not give me free money no matter how many times I try the Konami Code.
I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
I’ve been married for about 45 lbs.
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]
ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock
WIFE: A WHAT?
ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous
DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
If food delivery apps had never been invented I would either be wildly rich or dead
I’m getting birthday cake because it’s someone’s birthday somewhere
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor