ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
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HILLARY CLINTON: Putin wants a puppet as the US president
KERMIT THE FROG: YAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!
Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
Biden: I’m gonna punch him.
Obama: Smile and wave, Joe.
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
real
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
bouncer: can’t let you in. try the place 5 minutes down the road
guy: do you know who i am?! i’m usain bolt!
bouncer: oh, sorry. 2 minutes down the road
Me: what do you want for breakfast?
7: a bowl of sugarMe too kid, me too
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Him: “Describe what you’re wearing right now”
Me: (in yoga pants I didn’t do yoga in, T-shirt I’ve had on for days w/various food stains, fuzzy socks bc I’m freezing, hair in bun)
“Just out of the shower so tank, panties and no bra”
Him: “So hot”
Me: *resumes eating ice cream
While hiking last May, a lesbian deer told me she’s unsure of her sexual preference. Not a gay doe’s bi that I don’t think about it.
I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Why’s it called aioli and not gourmayonnaise?
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
Something our American friends may not know about us Canadians: all 38 million of us know each other
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
For years I struggled to recreate my grandmother’s recipes till I discovered that “tablespoon” in her recipe book didn’t actually mean tablespoon but referred to this random goddamn spoon she had in her kitchen & all the other measurements in there had similar logic
*hires 2 personal trainers and makes one of them train the other one*
Monogrammed towels are good for when you know how to spell your last name but sometimes get stumped on the first letter
When you finally get the courage to get on the scale after avoiding it for a while it’s called “bweighvery.”
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
Everyone hates math until their paycheck looks funny… then all of a sudden you know trigonometry
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.