My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
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Give me a break, ouija board. I don’t need to know who was killed in this house. Just tell me how the murderer got away with it.
baby dragon [lifting up a terrified medieval knight]: my dinner is cold
mommy dragon: just blow on it, dear
Selfies are just sad reminders that you have no friends willing to take pictures of your face and cleavage.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
Look, you invented bread and I invented knives. Let’s combine forces and we could be the best thing since…well we’ll think of that later.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
*stares at phone*
why cant i sleep
*puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun*
oh
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
That awful panicky feeling of getting your face stuck in a turtleneck, but if it happened slowly over years, is basically how relationships feel.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
My 4yo asked if I thought a robber came in the night, ate all the Halloween candy then threw the wrappers in the bin and I maintained eye contact while telling her that was the only possible explanation
smoke alarm broke, so i decided to tape a bag of microwave popcorn to the ceiling. if it starts popping, i will know it is too hot in there.
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
If you get pulled over by a cop, the smartest thing you can do is try and say “license and registration” at the same time he does and call “jinx” so he can’t say anything else.
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
My wife left me home alone with the kids to go out drinking with her friends. A lesser man might whine and complain, but instead I’m just playing Chumbawamba’s 1997 hit “Tubthumping” over and over and over. On the jukebox at their bar. Using the TouchTunes app.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.