“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
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Justify your alcoholism by having children.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
The thought that I’m the human’s pet #BlowsMyMind
Me: Why won’t my friends talk to me anymore
Also me: I’m hummuspilled. I’m going chickpea mode. I’m in my garbanzo era.
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Always 🥴
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Him: so do you prefer top or bottom?
Me: either, as long as there’s butter
Him: are we still talking about se-
Me: muffins, yes
The staff at this long john silver’s is saying I’ve had too much popcorn shrimp, and they’re trying to wrestle away the keys to my eScooter.
Her: I like Halloween too, but we’re not having kids just so you can get free candy once a year.
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Some cardinals and some ordinals walked into a bar, but the ordinals walked in first.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
I’m just a girl sitting here wondering which outfit I own goes best with bad decisions…
“wow with attitude like this do you even have friends”
me: yes in fact i have all 10 seasons of it
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Vet: Hahaha look at this idiot, forgetting to bring his pet to the vet, get him on the wall of shame!
Me: 🙁
My chameleon: 🙂
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
The guy who answered my call ended it with “Bye, I love you” then immediately called back to apologize.
I told him too late, he’s my boyfriend now.
Did a little self diagnosing over on Web MD and it turns out I’ve been dead since 2006
[being murdered]
Me: did you get that knife out of the dishwasher
Murderer: …yes
Me: and you didnt empty it
Murderer:
[murder roles reverse]