Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
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If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
I had a near-death experience. I panicked and asked god what flavour cream soda was. God didn’t know either.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
how to fall down a long set of stairs:
step 1) step 1
step 2) step 3
step 3) step 7
step 4) step 10
step 5) step 15
step 6) step 26
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
I saw her biting her bottom lip so I threw her a cupcake. Poor girl must have been starving.
Why did humans stop making constellations? What’s stopping us from pointing at a pattern of stars and going “that’s Cher.”
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
In banana years, I am bread.
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
I met 500 new people in the last four months and I remember all of them just not their names or faces
Pregnancy test that says, “Your cart has 1 item in it”
“Wanna hear a joke?”
“Alright then.”
“What’s the difference between a toilet and a fridge?”
“I don’t know,”
“You’re disgusting.”
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
[I try photo shopping abs on me but i accidentally make my head four times normal size]
I often think if I’d taken a different path in life, I could be lying on a slightly more comfortable sofa right now.
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
At this point the only thing Lady Gaga could do that would shock me is to come out on stage wearing a sensible pantsuit from Talbots.
So that’s what we looked like?
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).
(pediatric emergency dept)
Me: what’s your name?
4yo boy: I wear size 11 dinosaur shoes and my socks are spiderman today, see? *takes off shoes, shows me socks*
Me: awesome, those are really cool
4yo boy: yeah, I know!
Mom: I promise he knows his name
Him: Let’s grill this steak
Me: *slams table, screams at steak* WHO SOLD YOU THE DRUGS
Him: that’s not-
Me: Refusing to talk? BIG MISTEAK
me [pounding on my son’s locked bedroom door]: open up this instant! this is my house!
son: well actually you have a mortgage, so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me [to wife]: i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
if you’re feeling stressed, remember to IN EX HAHA LE LE