DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
You Might Also Like
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Catering service
on a scale of 1 to eating cereal out of a bundt cake pan with a melon baller, how lazy are you about washing dishes on the weekends?
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
GIRL: Dad, I want you to meet my boyfriend
DAD: Your bf is a bald eagle?
BALD EAGLE: *adjusting toupee* I’m just a regular eagle actually
Give me one good reason not to have a drink.
Hepatologist: Hold my beer.
The Police come right away when you tell em your baby is locked in the car…
They don’t however think it’s cute to call your phone baby..
HER: can you please get your feet off the furniture
CANNIBAL [putting them all back into a duffel bag]: sorry about that
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
It rubs the lotion on its skin and struggles with the doorknobs again.
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
My grocery store keeps rearranging the produce section. If I need to work this hard to find bananas, there better be a damn tropical breeze!
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
Used the words “manic pixie dream boy” in therapy years ago and my therapist had no idea what it referred to and to this day continuously uses a different string of words for it “dream elf pretty boy” “party boy dream something”
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.