The worst thing about millennial parents is that they name their pets human names and their kids pet names. They be like:
“Luna, don’t take Josh’s cone off, he just got spayed!”.
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Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
If Usain Bolt ever becomes a zombie we are all screwed.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
I may be nodding and smiling, but I’m secretly diagnosing you.
Doctors say “internal bleeding” like it’s a bad thing. Blood is supposed to be internal, idiots.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face
Just remembered this meme I made back in May of 2020.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Are you there God? It’s me, Margaret.
YES MY CHILD
Great! Amway is the largest multi-level marketing company worldwide. Our products range
My twins’ pre school taught them both how to sing Baby Shark in French so I’m just checking do I sue for double the amount or…
the year is 2042. a man is fired for doing “the robot” in a mixed crowd of humans and androids at the company xmas party.
Feeling invisible and unnoticed?
Put in your ear buds and they won’t shut the hell up.
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
IDGAF if you’re black, white, yellow, brown or blue.
Well, I do if you’re blue, I’ll stop and give you CPR if you’re blue.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Your honor these allegations are
Hi I’m Dan, welcome to identity theft club
*from back of room
“me too”
“me too!”
“uhhh, yeah me too”
Ok, we’re off to a great start guys
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
Elephant: wow I’m huge, what do I eat?
God: peanuts
Elephant: what?
God: *remembering Mr. Peanut breaking up with him over text*
Elephant:
God: all of them
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Willie Wonka: Lickable wallpaper!
Oompa Loompa #24: We’ve done that.
Willie Wonka: But this time they’re laced with antidepressants!
Veruca Salt: The snozzberries taste like… like… *sniff* like I can forgive my mother…
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Me: In closing, your honour, you put the gem in judgement. *winks*
Judge: *blushing and smiling* What, no I don’t. Stop it.
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
[job interview]
“Why do you want to leave your current job?”
My boss is a total idiot
“It says here you’re self-employed?”
Yes that’s right