Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
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what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
They just discovered an Egyptian tomb filled with chocolate and hazelnut. They believe it’s the tomb of Pharaoh Rocher.
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
birds can make their homes in tall treetops and soar at great heights and pigeons are like no thank you i will commute by foot to home depot
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
instagram reminding me of when my little brother ruined a pair of shoes for a class project on entrepreneurship
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Welcome to passive aggressive club.
We’re so happy you came twenty minutes late. Sure, get a cup of coffee, we’ll wait.
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.
Inspirational tweet.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
I had my leg X-rayed today.
The doctor said: ‘Your patella measures 2.54cm’.
I said: ‘Inch-high knees?’
He said: ‘您的髌骨是2.54厘米高.’
I haven’t watered my plants in months and they’re thriving!
-my kid not realizing what moms do
Please keep my heartbroken toddler in your thoughts because I vacuumed up some crumbs from the floor that he was apparently very attached to.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
called in thicc to work this morning
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly