Please, by all means, call my landline. I’ll reply with a postcard attached to a helium balloon
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Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
[from the bottom of a lake]
I have this thing where I underestimate the size of puddles.
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Anytime I see a tweet in a different language, I read it as “Oo ee Oo ah ah, ting tang walla walla bing bang.”
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
5: mom! daddy is smoking a brisket in the kitchen!
me: daddy smokes meats outside in the smoker. If he’s in the kitchen, he’s burning a brisket
Ghostbusters commercial: who you gonna call?
Ghost haunting me: [looks at me nervously]
Me: lmao like you’re scarier than a phone call
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
It’s as if the guy in the next stall doesn’t realize this is a competition
#SignsAGuyDoesntLikeYou he takes a long time to reply to your letters and blames it on the “prison mail system”
[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
I hate it when I gain 10 pounds for a role and then realize I’m not even an actor.
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
Every day Stephen King and I both:
1. Get up
2. Terrify People
3. Tweet
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.