Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.Ps. Shut it, maths police.
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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
me: god grant me the serenity
god: no ❤️
Me: and for my last wish, I want to be hung like a horse.
Genie: As you command. *a massive, extra strong gallows and noose appears*
Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
Me: what do you want for lunch?
3yo: a pickle.
Me: a pickle is not a meal.
3yo: two pickles.
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
My mom just told me my Gram’s church is doing drive up confessions. The priest stands 6 ft away and you shout your sins out the window. You have the option to make the priest wear a blindfold.
Mom: Gram wasn’t happy when I started laughing. Dad keeps shouting sins across the room
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks”
This is a funeral. Show some respect.
“Whoever’s in charge of this music sucks, sir.”
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
When you say you’re a “foodie”, that means you like to eat gross food and then pretend that you like it? When I was a kid that just meant I got dessert.
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Why’d it take Little Red Riding Hood so long to figure out it wasnt her grandma? I can tell after like 2 questions if its a wolf or my nana
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
wife: i wish you’d moan during sex
[later, whilst doing the sex]
me: i wish i was eating a grilled cheese
Hell hath no fury like 2 parties who each think they have booked the conference room for the day.
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan