[normally]
my bed has four corners[when putting on a fitted sheet]
my bed has 93 corners
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Do chicks with anchor tattoos that say “never sink” know that anchors are made to sink?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
dads on road-trips be like
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
We’ve got some pretty upscale, sophisticated people coming over tonight, so I’m putting out the classy spittoon.
“If anyone has any reason Kim & Kanye should not be married, speak now or forever hold your peace.” -Taylor Swift’s moment of revenge
4-year-old: Can I have some floss?
Me: You’re too little
4: But I really, really need it
Me: Fine. *gives her floss*
4:*ties up Barbies*
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
How’s the parenting going over here?
My youngest just told my oldest to “GET IN THE DAMN CAR!”
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
🙄😏😂🤣
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
My husband slowed down the car so he could check out someone’s well-manicured lawn. You see what I have to compete with?
At least he tried.. twice.. 😅
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Scientists at the Federal Helium Reserve indicate they’re storing a billion cubic meters of helium gas. It’s a lot funnier when they say it.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
Duolingo getting serious.
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?