Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
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Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
[my car launching off cliff]
oh no google maps you rascal
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
I drink expresso irregardless of the time, because, for all intensive purposes, its good for my sole. Also, it keeps my brain alot sharper.
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground
You and what army? That should be your first question to the HOA.
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
For whatever reason, I get super quiet when I hear a helicopter…like they are going to fly over my house and say, “WE KNOW HOW MANY TACO BELL SAUCE PACKETS YOU HAVE IN THERE.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Thought it was funny when my 2yo was walking around saying “where are my keys!?” like his dad but now he’s saying “where’s my purse?!” and he’s gone too far.
Me: so what’s your skincare routine like? your skin is practically glowing
Edward Cullen: it’s actually just this new diet i’ve been on
I met the Backstreet Boys on Warzone 2 😂
The British are coming! The British are coming! The British have to get up early! The British swear they’ll call you in the morning!
Before I had kids I wasn’t a morning person but after parenting for years I can finally look at the beautiful sunrise every day and say, I’m still not
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?
me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?
Kid: Mommy what time is it?
Me{Showering}: Go look at the clock
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
*Walks back past daddy
Kid: Theres a 2 & a 9 & a 8
Me: Which is first?
*Kid walks past daddy
*Looks at clock
Kid: Now theres 2 nines
Me: It’s 9:..
Kid: WAIT LET ME CHECK AGAIN!
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
romeo and juliet is what happens when you don’t sync your watches before a mission
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food