”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
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Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I wish Gordon Ramsay would get one tattoo so I could take him seriously as a chef.
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
[After inventing a memory loss machine] I should invent a memory loss machine
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
My Dog: oh PLEASE please just give me a TASTE of your food just a MORSEL of that MEAL I’ve NEVER WANTED ANYTHING MORE
Me: *gives her a little bit*
My Dog: I have diarrhea
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
“Don’t put all your eggs in one basket” is just a line fed to us by Big Basket.
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Me:”If you ever give me another gift with ‘some assembly required’, you’re dead to us.”
6:*writing thank you card* But, um..
Me: Write it!
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Why was the picture sent to prison?
It was framed.
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Him: Parent-teacher night is next week.
Me: Will there be snacks?
Him: Does it really matter?
Me:
Him: *sighs* Yes.
Me: Okay. I’m in.
Boss: Any takeaways from the client meeting?
Me: I got his stapler and two rolls of toilet paper
ohhhhh my GOD I just told the dog “hey we’ll go for a walk once the baby’s awake, okay?”
and she looked at me, ran upstairs, stuck her head in the nursery, and HOWLED
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Nothing is better than a home cooked Thanksgiving dinner
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
therapist: what do you see?
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see, and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?