corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
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To ‘There’s a Hole in the Bucket’
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, Dear IT
I can’t access my network
Dear IT, accessThen check your email
Dear cheeky, dear cheeky
Then check your email
Dear cheeky, check itI can’t access my network
Dear IT, dear IT
(repeat endlessly)
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
My neighbors are organizing something called a “fun run”. This shit never happened when I lived in my car.
THIS is the sort of creativity we need at met galas and runways. I’m obsessed
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
The average tiktok video is 24 seconds and let’s just say I can relate
This forever.
I needed this laugh 😂😂😂
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Me: I’m pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
MOM: What did you learn at summer camp?
KID: We built a generator out of sticks and mud
MOM: A generator? For what?
KID: To charge our iPods
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
I’m always amazed at how eating 2lbs of chocolate can make you gain 47lbs.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Late last night my drunk neighbor was banging on his front door for ten minutes. I finally got up and called out to him telling him he wasn’t home. So he left.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
My 16yo daughters boyfriend struggled with a capri sun for the last 10 minutes. I think it’s ok to leave her alone with him.
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
[invention of spaghetti]
Inventor: i made them very long
Wife: they still fit in a pot though right?
Inventor: lol no why
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit