i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
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Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
Call me woke but the most offensive name in the kitchen is the Lazy Susan. Susan was not lazy, Susan was smart. Susan is a hero.
Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
INTERVIEWER: that’s not what I meant by “what’s your strong suit”
ME: oh *putting shirt back on over superman costume* I’m quite good at excel
5: can i play the wii?
me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?
5:
me:
5: but she’s still sleeping!!
me: i don’t want to die today.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
a god among men
I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK TO THE EARTH’S MANAGER
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
My cousin Tay Tay vaped once at a party and she went on to steal hundreds of dollars in clothing from various stores we don’t know if it’s related but you can never be too careful
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
Don’t get why guys complain about “sleeping on the couch”
I pay good money to sleep on the couch, but I wish the shrink would shut up.
Trees meet other trees for sex through Timber.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
We couldn’t just…..find their homes?
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When someone has a baby, I’m just like, OK, clearly you were desperate to have someone to hang out with
Asked the worker at the liquor store to help me pick out a bottle of bubbly and she handed me a “nice” $26 bottle, but then I said it was for when my in-laws came over and she took it out of my hands and replaced it with a $12 bottle.
Chemical wingman
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
I started running today. Also, there is a new mean dog in the neighborhood that interrupted my walk today.