To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
me: [struggling to think of things to talk about] “so what do you do for a living?”
barber: [slowly stops cutting my hair]
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Dads will leave 3 Frosted Flakes in the box and tell you it’s enough for a bowl
I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
[planning bank heist]
leader: we need a fall guy
me: [walks in wearing a flannel and carrying a pumpkin spiced latte]
leader: he’s perfect
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
I’m going to give guided tours of my house, pointing out all the things I tried to fix.
Me: do you love me?
Siri: I’m only your assistance.
Me: if you don’t, I will jump off a bridge.
Siri:there are two bridges near you.
Why is it that when other women wear a chain over a turtleneck it looks impossibly chic but when I do it I look like that 1994 photo of The Rock
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
I totally understand how “please leave your brother alone” can be interpreted as “throw toys at him.” It’s just common sense.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Me: there’s only one thing about Halloween that really scares me
Her: which is?
Me: exactly
I just got a Facebook invite to my brother’s non-alcoholic Mormon wedding.
I dunno which part of that sentence makes me want to cry more.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Me: how do I do taxes?
School: here’s a recorder
Me: what is a credit score?
School: just put it in your mouth and blow like this
Me: how do I choose the right healthcare plan?
School: HOT. CROSS. BUNS.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think