That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.
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me: well, one time i was in a team drinking race with some friends. we fell behind, so I started chugging double pours and we ended up winning a hard fought battle.
Interviewer: um ok, and weaknesses?
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please just disregard the one earlier in which I claimed to have “definitely broken the world land speed record” by running very fast down the hill near my house. I have since looked it up and I accept that I underestimated the current record
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
If you’re afraid of public speaking, just imagine everyone in the audience is on their phones not listening to you anyway.
me: [arriving in heaven] so did anybody cry at my funeral
god: oh actually your body is still in the ball pit
Wait a minute…
I hate when my kids and I can’t agree on where we are going for Sunday breakfast, but I love that we all agree I’m not making it.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Me: I need to get something off my chest
Him: Here’s a towel
If I learned anything from Aladdin it was that if u just keep lying to a girl eventually u will get to marry her and live at her dad’s house
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
Sorry I was asleep when you texted me and just woke up when we ran into each other just now
The answer to the question, “do these jeans still fit” depends on whether or not I actually have to sit down at any point.
The 4 stage of life:
1. You believe in Santa Claus
2. You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3. You are Santa Clause
4. You look like Santa Claus
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
[Bruce Willis on his deathbed]
Bruce: Viagra!
Dr: Bruce this isn’t the time-
Bruce: Give me…a Viagra!
Dr: Ok
*Bruce Dies…Hard*
When we first dated I thought your freckles were dots of inexcusable cuteness. Now I can see how joined up they draw a pentagram.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
I was gonna post a picture of my breakfast but I can’t get the gummy bears to sit up straight.
Subway Guy: Enjoy your sandwich
Me: You too!
Subway Guy:
Me:
Me: *gives him my sandwich* this is yours now
What she said: Honey, I have this GREAT idea.
What I heard: Honey, I have this EXPENSIVE idea.