I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
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Before we have sex, please select every image that contains a bicycle.
I’ve made 2 terrible decisions in my life and they’re both outside throwing rocks at the new neighbors.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
Fact: alligators and crocodiles do not like each other, but they will share a human if necessary.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
idk what this dog had been going through but same
I just asked my German friend if he has a lucky number and now I can’t figure out if he does or not.
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Lady: Don’t go there it’s a very Brad neighborhood
Me: Brad?
*Hundreds of Brads ascend from the sewers. Time stops. The sky turns Brad*
Looking at pictures of myself as a kid taken just after my mother cut my bangs makes me wonder what she used to mix in her Tang.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
Not to brag, but my kids just unloaded the entire dishwasher without me asking, or without them noticing that the dishwasher had not been run.
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
Doctor: You have acute appendicitis.
Me: And you have a cute face. Drinks?
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[2 dogs eating dinner]
“u know Sharon, that life insurance policy u found me is great”
[stops chewing]
“why does this taste like chocolate”
*spreads Purell onto my English muffin*
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Cannot believe that even in this day and age people discriminate against each other for petty things like race and religion. All people are deserving of love and respect if they’re good looking. Period.
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
For lent I gave up eating random crumbs I find on my desk
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.