My 4yo asked if the tooth fairy pulls your teeth out in your sleep, and I deserve an award for taking the mature not-funny path of telling her “no”.
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The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
Just told everybody in the bar to shut the hell up so my date could hear the full effect of my velcro wallet opening.
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
Apparently walking backwards reduces cellulite and bonus I bet muggers would avoid you.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
Responsibility for the New York earthquake is already being claimed by tremorrists.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
I would do anything for love. But I won’t do that. Or that. That’s not looking good either.
i have one speed and it’s mosey
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
“Ah, Mr Bond, I-”
*closes laptop lid and pulls up trousers*
“-wasn’t expecting you.”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
i’m just in the middle of doing some push ups. well actually i’ve just dropped a packet of M&Ms and i’m searching for the ones that rolled under my couch but same thing right
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: I’m more of a-
ME: CHECK PLEASE
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Nine out of ten doctors agree that dying is bad for your health. The other doctor is clad in a dark robe and carrying a scythe.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
[at a bar]
CUTE GIRL: *grabs my arm* hey there
ME: *mouth full of food* did you know a lobster on a kabob is called a kablobster
Me: it’s about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left