The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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Daughter: I want some of your coffee!!!
Me: Not if you ask like that! Grumpy girls don’t get coffee.
Husband: *from the other room* OH, is that so!?
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
“Aww plans cancelled?? I really wanted to go, maybe next time…”
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
So this one time I was really upset and crying and this kid was like, “are you upset about your nose?” and I’ve never been so thoroughly owned by a child
Police looking for a man who stabbed six people with knitting needles.
He seems to be following some sort of pattern.
the beatles: all you need is love
haddaway: I have a question
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
Girl said she wanted to have my babies so I invited her over. But she didn’t look happy when I told her to put them to bed by 8 and went out
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
most german shepherds don’t know much german at all and are relieved when you try english
“Britney Spears” implies the existence of a “Britney Swords”, who probably has less attack speed and range but more well-rounded damage output potential
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Enter new password
“336Hours”
Your password is two weeks
Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?