[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
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I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
Happy Thanksgiving and remember, unless your turkey is applying for a passport, you don’t need to take a photo of it.
My excitement about your Indian food is largely dependent on your pronunciation of “cumin”.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Took the batteries out of the carbon monoxide alarm because the loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
vet: I need to give your dog some shots
me: no he doesn’t drink
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
*Puts couch down as emergency contact*
I keep hearing it takes a village to raise a child. Do they just show up or is there a number to call?
It’s been 22 years. I think they can’t find me.
I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
My family using a Ouija board to summon my spirit: “Are you with us? Please, shows us you are here! Wait, it’s moving… o-m-g-w-h-a-t-d-o-y-o-u-w-a-n…”
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
Someone got friendzoned hard at the Brewers game… 😬
Huge respect for Parasite, but Ford v Ferrari deserved to win just for the opening scene
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
ME: did u know that there’s no scientific evidence that flossing helps?
DENTIST: this is my daughter’s dance recital. Please leave us alone
I bet Thor would lose his shit if he knew how many hammers are at Home Depot.
*leans over uncomfortably close to you at a funeral*
“I get so drunk at these things. Who’s in the box?”
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to me starting a fight club in the retirement home]
Me: creative differences
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
Are all the non essential oils out of work now?
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.