Artist: I like to sketch women sitting on outdoor furniture.
Her: Draw me like one of your bench girls.
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Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
If I turned into a “teen wolf” my first order of business would definitely be helping my basketball team get to the local championships!
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
New research reveals that “the printer’s not working” is the third most common English phrase, right behind “thank you” and “go f*** yourself”
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
People who drive slower up hills know how cars work, right?
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
what I say: WE RIDE AT DAWN
what I mean: Let’s meet at noonish for brunch and a nature walk
when my bf tells me i’m cute but i’ve just woken up and i’m grumpy
(on a first date knowing women like it when you ask questions about them) what the hells wrong with you
[small-town McDonald’s cashier holds bill up to light, studies it]
Me: You get a lot of counterfeit fives around here?
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
[commercial for soap]
NARRATOR: soap. it fights dirty.
I should run for public office just to see the scandalous dirt they dig up on me. I would really like to piece together my twenties.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”