ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
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My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
“Doctor, doctor, I think I’m turning into a terrible pushy parent”
“Daddy, why do you keep calling me ‘doctor’?”
Pot smokers like to say it’s safe because it’s natural. Other safe natural things include sunburn, poison ivy, and being eaten by a bear.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
people only watched my two hour youtube video dissertation on false advertising centered in the landscape of 21st century social media through to the end because I told them to ‘wait for it’ in the description
I got arrested for punching a mime and the judge sentenced me to six months of community theater
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
Teen daughter: What? Why are you looking at me that way?? You’re all squinty and judgy.
Me: I just took my contacts out.
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
I see ur bio says ‘Medical Intern’. Can you take a look at this *sends DM of mother-in-laws face* n tell me if it’s infected. It is right?
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
What if the Bad News Bears literally gave you bad news?
Bear 1: You’re adopted
Bear 2: The cancer is terminal
Bear 3: This tweet ain’t funny
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Passwords are by far the best way to keep me from accessing any of my stuff
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”