Remind me again … how many glasses of wine does it take to cook a turkey?
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scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Woke up at 3am because I fell asleep in a recliner and my spouse went to bed and just left me there. So I crawled to bed and arranged the pillows to really constrict my airflow to make sure I snored the rest of the night.
I feel it
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
No, I don’t like nature. I can’t respect anything that would so flippantly turn dinosaurs into birds.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Last week my son asked me why we don’t just call them ‘water hydrants’ and I still don’t have an answer for him.
Honey I Shrunk the Kids : A Beginner’s Guide to Steroid Use
You should never donate to people that collect money for marathons.
They just take your money and run.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Why is it called a “network of computers streaming Disney movies to cows” and not “Moo-LAN”
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Wife: People are coming over tomorrow
Me: We should clean today
Wife: And keep the house clean for 24 hours?
Me: We should clean tomorrow
[first date]
Her: I love big hearted people
Me {trying to impress her}: I have hypertrophic cardiomyopathy
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
The marriage rate has been trending downward. Choreographed wedding dances may be the reason.
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
Imagining serif fonts taking off their little hats and shoes when they get home from work
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.