set yourself free xox
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The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
I take a prop microphone wherever I go. If a reporter sticks a mic in my face during a tragedy, I can pull out my own and return the favor.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
me: arch your back it’ll give you more power
guy at the next urinal: what
Before kids: I’d choose going blind over going deaf.
After kids: Deaf! I wanna be deaf!
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Comcast Cable acquiring Time Warner Cable is a lot like your proctologist acquiring a bigger finger.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
Text my grandma if she wants to go to the grocery with me she replied 🔥
like is that hell yeah or does she want to burn it down
[HIGH SCHOOL]
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
[AGE 40]
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
sigh
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Why do we need to learn History? George Washington didn’t need it and he was a King.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
I consider myself reasonably intelligent but I cannot process How to Play Complex Board Games. You all sound like, “and then if you roll a level-up glitter cabbage you get 6.5 ergometric points, which can be used every 4th turn as long as no one has zorped the Cones of Dunshire”
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
*Uses public restroom
**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.