I have a great poker face because I have no idea what’s going on.
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men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
I haven’t been invited to my family’s Thanksgiving dinner since 12 years ago when I put pepper on my mom’s mashed potatoes without trying them first.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
[buying groceries]
me: do you think Jeff Bezos’ divorce will impact this place at all?
Whole Foods clerk: nah probably not
[1 year later]
Half Foods clerk: ok so I was wrong
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
So what do you think?
New hair?
No
Shoes?
No
Bag?
No
Pants?
No* 3 days later watching TV
OMG u rearranged the living room
– Men
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
You can tell a lot about a person based on what they use as a gender-neutral singular pronoun.
is this store having a stroke wtf
[new hire intro]
BOSS: this is Jim. You’ve been here how long Jim?
JIM: next year will be 10 years
ME: *rising from my cubicle* so 9 years
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
*The Proclaimers put on a Fitbit
Fitbit: Awww, Hell No!!!
Me: Would you like a sample?
Boss: What are you doing?
Me: Handing out free samples.
Boss: No, you’re supposed to take samples from people, not hand them out!
Me: This is a weird Costco.
Boss: This is a sperm bank and you’re fired.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
Climate: Hey
Me: You’ve changed
Wife: *angry; flings wine onto “dinner guest”; storms out of room
Me: *consoles visibly upset raccoon
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
*Welsh Cities lining up outside Starbucks; the barista who writes the names on the cups starts hyperventilating and looking for an exit*
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
Just text my husband to tell him he left his phone behind & someone is calling him.
And now someone’s texting him.
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club