When the hotdog gets placed in the bun, does it think it’s going canoeing
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Social Media and Real life
Overheard at British Museum –
Young boy to Dad – ‘when you die, can I use your skull to strike fear into the hearts of my enemies?’
Dad – ‘…no.’
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
ugh not again
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself…& murderous clowns, & ISIS, & one of these two getting elected President after Halloween.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I just had a near sex experience.
My wife flashed before my eyes.
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
fish:
eagle: omg ur drowning I’ll save you
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
i love police dramas because i’m a big fan of men in rolled up sleeves standing in front of a map saying “all right people listen up” 20 minutes in.
I always assumed the movie “Grease” got its title from how those characters managed to fit into those pants.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I didn’t floss?
DENTIST: *rips off cop mask* I gotcha now, you son of a-
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
Boyf said I look really pretty when I’m concentrating…I realised its cos I’m quiet! Either way it’s the last time I let him watch me poo
Get rid of the “quality check” section on the Domino’s pizza tracker. I know what I’m getting myself into here.
Fun thing to do: Before leaving someone’s house, ask them if you can take a roll of toilet paper “to go”
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
Thank God I never know what anyone is talking about
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.