Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
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I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
I keep every love note I’ve ever written because one day I’ll have grandchildren who will find them and it’ll fill my heart with joy to hear one of them ask what it means to tongue punch a fur burger.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
After I saw that my wife “Checked In” to the mall I called to report her credit cards stolen.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
At my funeral, I want a giant glitter bomb to go off.
It will celebrate my life while ensuring that no one will forget me, since glitter will cling to them forever.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
“Welcome to the Association Against Acronyms & Abbreviations, your office is this way…”
– “We should call it AAAA!”
“You’re fired.”
Sea snails hide in their shells because they are self-conches.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
doctor: can you describe the pain?
me: i have a knife sticking into me
doctor: so is it a dull or sharp pain
me: sharp
doctor: like a knife?
me: yes, exactly that
doctor: *proudly* its my first day
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
me: [answers phone in meeting] “this better be important”
wife: “i think we’re having a baby”
me: [sighs] “you told me that 9 months ago”
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
It was the worst of times, it was the worst of times.
-2020
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.