Excuse me miss, you’re a cat – a man who doesn’t know how to cat call
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My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
The level of giddiness I experience when someone I hate says something stupid in front of an audience is a tiny bit embarrassing.
ME: *Buying unnecessary & expensive gadget*
CASHIER: How will you be paying for this?
ME: Probably with an argument and no sex for a month
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
Who called it “unplugging the life support machine” and not “pulling the RIP cord”?
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
I’m hiring a motivational speaker for my lazy eye.
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
I told my 7yo that I’m a tired old man and he replied “you’re not an old man, you’re a NEW man” so if anyone is looking for a life coach I know a guy
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
pet rent is the stupidest concept i’ve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
ME: I like nerdy girls.
HER: Did you know vultures have smooth heads for easier penetration to the entrails of a carcass?
ME: Yes. Exactly like that.
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
[girl texting me] you left a sprite in my fridge
[CUT TO] Me, crossing step one off of my “secretly move in with her” plan
If bras are called over the shoulder boulder holders then panties should be named under the hip lip grippers.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
thanks for the crochet armor, mom, I’m sure it will work just fine