If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
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I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
Since Justin Bieber has the “Beliebers” and Lady Gaga has the “Little Monsters” I’d like to name Robin Thicke’s fans “Thickeheads.”
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
5: this one time i slept in till like 7am!
Me: *holding back tears* I remember
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me: I crave your sweetness on my lips
Her: Who are you talking to in there?
M: *stumbles out of pantry with Nutella all over my face* nobody
People love to watch science fiction, get mad about a single detail, then spend the rest of their lives demanding to speak to the manager of space
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
sergio leone: i’m going to name my next movie after you
the good: nice
the bad: cool
me: what’s it called?
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Me: Is it just me…
Everyone: Yes. GOD, YES!
Me: I hadn’t actually finished my question 🙁
[pulling out of the driveway on the way to a holiday party]
HUSBAND: Oh, we’re supposed to bring a dessert.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Do you ever take a bunch of pills, forget that you took a bunch of pills, take a bunch more pills, and then die? I know. Me TOO.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
Engineer: quick open up the coal gate, we need to vent the burner!
Me: *opens toothpaste* how is this supposed to help?
Engineer: The door on the coal burner you stupid fu-
[train explodes]
[arriving at the international space station]
other astronaut: so how are things down there
me: a bit chafed tbh
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
Every news show is like “are you actually seeing what you’re seeing? We’ll ask an expert and a liar!”
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Halloween combines my 3 least favorite things: Answering the door, giving away food and children.
If approached by a bear, you can play dead, or you can acknowledge the bear, say hello, and see what it needs. Have some decency