Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
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got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
About to prop up a cardboard box with a stick on a string and put a hoodie under it.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Idea: flamethrower but instead of fire it shoots hungry mosquitos out at my enemies.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
I got tired of our restroom smelling like other people’s crap so I placed a chunk of mine behind the hot air vent.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Me, bright eyed, eager to follow the rules:
should I remove my necklace?TSA agent: … what… is it.
Me, smiling hard, too awake, excited to share:
It’s a tiny harmonica!TSA agent:
*closes eyes for a long time, her weariness meant for an entire generation.* JUST GO.
Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.
[job interview]
How did you lose your last job?
“I quit because I wanted a career with a bright future.”
Sir, this is McDonald’s.
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
ME: I know a good amount of things
CROSSWORD PUZZLES: lol
I see dead people.
No wait, I take that back.
I see people I want dead.
My inexpensive home security system…
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
Needed to buy a tarp and a saw so I threw in a paintbrush so the cashier would think more home project and less murder
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.