Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
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I’m no fan of Smokey the Bear. He’s just the first step on the slippery slope to vigilantism.
Engineers: “okay, so we agree the space between the seat and the console will allow people to see what they dropped but never retrieve it”
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
We need more people like this.
Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
Since he knows me best, I’m adding my bartender as a LinkedIn reference.
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Ground control: He says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
I was really into the idea of Salsa dancing, until I learned there are no chips. Or salsa.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
Me: sorry I can’t go to the farmer’s market with you. Allergies.
Friend: pollen?
Me: hipsters.
Getting married is easy, staying married when all of your drunken midnight Amazon purchases show up on your husband’s day off is not.
The best part about Halloween is seeing people in costume doing normal shit. Just saw a Dracula standing by a car eating potato chips.
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
SALMON: Who has been spreading gossip I thought I could trust you two
TROUT: I don’t know, who could it be?!
BIG MOUTH BASS: Yeah, who??
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
If I don’t come when you call my name just rattle a bag of chips
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
People who eat hotdogs from a gas station, you know there’s faster ways to commit suicide?