[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
You Might Also Like
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: I’ll sleep when I’m dead.
[Dies]
Grim Reaper: I’m going to need you to journey with me to the afterlife.
Me: Dammit
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
Seriously, soup?
If I wanted to drink my lunch I would go to a bar.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
i call soup dumplings “soup dumps” which was cute until i texted my friend “i forgot to send you a pic of my dumps”
I’m tired of the bad jokes, dad. Doubt you can hear me anyway. I’m pullin’ the plug.
“…hi pullin’ the plug, I’m da-”
*pulls the plug*
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
then why did i get this email
20’s: need to look cool when I go out
30’s: need to look cool and be comfortable when I go out
40’s: need to be comfortable when I go out
50’s: I don’t need to go out
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Lube but for my dry humor.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…