I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
You Might Also Like
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Whoever got my Steam account for Christmas plz realize those Japanese dress up games are for research only, I don’t enjoy them. Plz understa
any last words?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
Don’t know how anybody can hate on lazy people, we didn’t even do anything.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
henry VIII found four more women to marry him after he cut his wife’s head off and i can’t get a txt back
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
Having a dog around pretty much denies any opportunity to take advantage of the 5 second rule on a dropped chip
I don’t want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Told my daughter it’s against the law to play April Fool’s Day pranks on parents so everyone back me up on this
Me: I hate when corporate Twitter accounts pretend to be people
Amazon Prime: I was just saying this to my kids
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
* flirting with disaster
disaster: Gross
[fans out the deck]
Pick a card, any card..
Memorize it..
[hits you in the face with a shovel]
KING OF SPADES!
[walks off]
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Unavoidable loud things that personally attack me, unprovoked:
-Yelling
-Bird carrying fries once mine
-The sun
-Wind (in a good way?)
-Wind (in a bad way)
-Ghosts?
-Feelings of uncertainness
-That time I woke up in a dumpster and forgot where I was until a raccoon bit me
-Ghosts
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Me: let’s take those jeans!
Her: idk, that’s stealing
Me: *stuffing the jeans into my backpack* we’ll just walk out with them… no one will notice
Arby’s patron whose jeans I just pulled off: I’ve already noticed
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
A moment of silence for our dear friend, liquid water, who did not survive the 100° temperature… You will be mist…
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!