Dont skip breakfast! Eat a journalist! 馃構
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Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
Me: The other day I saw a bottle of wine in my fridge and pet it like it was a dog because I was so happy to see it鈥ait what was your question?
Them: I asked how being a mom of three boys was going, but I have my answer.
it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first
If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
I can鈥檛 really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
Her: (emerges from the sea, beach waves glistening in the sunshine)
Me: (washes ashore topless looking like Sigmund the Sea Monster)
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
Me: You’re leaving me again?
Her: (packing)
Me: Is it because I mix up the suffixes for ordinal numbers?
Her: (walking downstairs)
Me: ..my misuse of common sayings?
Her: (opening door)
Me: Come on, one more chance!
Her: (car starting)
Me, yelling: 5rd time’s a charm!
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Hi, my name is Marlene
[Group in unison]: Hi Marlene
Sometimes I pee when I sneeze.
[Group]: …
Me: uh doesn’t AA mean ‘awkward accidents’?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he鈥檚 gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
Dogs make everything better, unless you’re making a bed.
my beach body is like my amazon package: delayed indefinitely
astrology is fake.
my sign is two fish. and YET, i am just one human and bad at swimming
Didn’t find a dead body on my hike again today this is starting to get frustrating.