[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
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the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
[invention of croutons]
Let me put a few bread rocks on top of your salad. Trust me, people in neighboring cities will hear you eating this.
No, sweetie. You can’t see the moon with vernaculars.
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Me: I’m telling you this place is haunted, I’ve seen ghosts in here!
Roommate: Listen, I’ve lived here for 285 years and I’ve never seen a ghost.
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
There should be a safe word for small talk:
“So how about this weather we’re hav -”
“RUTABAGA! GOD DAMN IT JIM, RUTABAGA.”
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
If they ban straws, that means I can no longer flirtatiously blow the straw wrapper at my date and that is literally my only move.
Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’d like to think this guy started out with a scribble pad by the telephone and then took a REALLY long phone call.
*gets on 1 knee*
Me: I know we haven’t known each other for a long time, but will you marry me?
Her: Please get off my knee
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
one last job
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”