Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
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[stumbles out of bar with girl]
We’ll be at my place- (struggling to unchain ten speed bike) -in no time, baby
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
I can’t stop canceling dates. it feels incredible. this guy thought he was gonna find out how many siblings I have and now that mystery will follow him to his grave
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times
Let’s normalize using the term “Cooking Wine” to refer to the wine we drink while cooking.
I think if a trained monkey could drive a car, cook & give out money, my kids wouldn’t notice it wasn’t me. I need a monkey.
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.
You learn a lot about someone when you marry them. For example , I learned I should have married someone else.
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
*takes off hat*
“I’m afraid I have some bad news ma’am”
*puts on her hat*
“I’ve stolen your hat”
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Good news: It works the other way around.
I entered “internal bleeding” & “unconscious” in WebMD and it said I have a stuffy nose.
Phew.
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
taking June’s advice to heart
*Googles: How to fake your own death and erase existence before 9am monday morning.
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Genius idea!!
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.
11yo son just walked by.
If Axe was a drug, I’d be stoned right now.
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
When a husband asks you if you think it’s possible to love someone forever…
“If I find the right person” is apparently the wrong answer.