Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
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[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
gotta say i disagree with this strategy by the cowboys of never gaining any positive yards but i’m no pro football coach so maybe the cowboys know something i don’t
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
My teen yelled at me for not waking her up for school. She’s in the shower & I’m wondering when she realizes it’s Sunday. This is beautiful.
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
[calls God on phone]
Hi, can you come get me?
Time for me to sign up for the hallmark channel for the next two months.
there are a lot of white women in fur-lined parkas that I need to watch fall in love
[car dealership]
ME: [not savvy] i need a new car SALESMAN: what kind
ME: car
SALESMAN: haha what kind of car
ME: [perspiring freely] new
Just once I’d like to run into Kanye and refer to him as Kanye Davidson just to see his head explode.
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy
You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
*swivels around in evil chair*
*evil laugh*
*pets evil cat*
*evil cat laughs*
*jumps out of evil chair*
“Holy shit, that cat just laughed!”
In a physio waiting room amongst athletes comparing their stories.
I can’t wait until my turn when I tell them I slept wrong on my pillow.
zookeeper: [putting up sign] do not feed the animals
giraffe: [also putting a sign up somehow] the zoo does not speak on our behalf
Wonder Woman is in theaters June 2nd. But if you want a sneak preview, watch Sally Yates’ performance in front of the Senate.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.
[bank]
Robber: EVERYONE GET DOWN!
Me: [crying] my wife left & my kids think I’m a joke
Robber: No I mean-
Robber2: Wait! Let him finish
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.