Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
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[whispering to date while watching Chappie when Chappie first appears on the screen] That’s Chappie
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
soft pretzels come one of 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
too much pressure deciding when to look at a person walking towards me on the sidewalk
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
If your kids are big enough to get on a ride without help, I will fight them for the last carousel horse.
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
*accidentally grabs a fork from the silverware drawer instead of a spoon but I’m too lazy to go back so it takes me 47 min. to eat my soup*
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Roy Batty: “I’ve seen things you people wouldn’t believe.”
*opens Twitter*
[ten minutes later]
“I take it back. You people would believe anything.”
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
Gary born
Gary child
Gary teenager
Gary middle-aged
Gary Oldman
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
Sitting next to a priest on my flight. I sneeze. I’m waiting for him to say “Bless you.” Nothing. I guess it’s his day off?
Me: Look, you delivered this brand new yet ever since it doesn’t stop making weird noises! I believe I’m owed a replacement under warranty?
The midwife: 😐
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
An app to tase restaurant owners who call appetizers “apps”
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.