Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
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I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
I just want to put my hair in a cute little messy bun and not look like a sumo wrestler.
ME: how will i die
FORTUNE TELLER: you will be hit by a car
ME: will my wife miss me
FORTUNE TELLER: perhaps i wasn’t clear
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
The cool thing about robbing a library is that you have two weeks before they notice.
Christmas means giving my brother a $50 gift card, and getting a $50 gift card from my brother.
If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Well-seasoned Mom: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
ME: *sits*
BARBER: You’re completely bald.
ME: Just snip the scissors around my ears and gently touch my head for 10 mins, please.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
[Sperm Bank]
DOCTOR (to the Nurse): Get a load of this guy
*Strong man rips a phone book in half
Me: That’s amazing, where did you get a phone book?
My landlord is very strict about dogs. It doesn’t matter how well-behaved they are. He still won’t accept them as a form of rent.
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of the booth in a restaurant, I like to walk up, sit on the other side, out of breath, and say “sorry I’m late”.
Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
Friend: I got a job as a carpenter, but it sucks.
Me: No prob, just learn a few magic tricks and people will worship you as their savior.
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
Mafia boss: “I want him swimming with the fishes!”
*later at the coral reef*
Me: “This is amazing!”
Mafia boss: “Anything for you.”
People who aren’t entombed in 8 feet of snow, what’s it like to live in a tropical paradise?
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
YUCKING OTHER PEOPLE’S YUM IS VERY UNBECOMING
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet