I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
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The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
I’m far to under qualified for adult life and feel like I was promoted to manager far too quickly
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I would never want to go on a date with The Kool-Aid man partially because he is a large juice but mainly because I think the financial strain from the wall repair bills would cause issues in our relationship.
*panics during bank robbery*
“Uhhhh hi yeah I’d like to put this gun in my safety deposit box”
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
I took two days of first aid and now I’m really wondering why it takes doctors 4+ years to learn all this!
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
ME: I‘ve been feeling a little horse
JOCKEY: you’re disgusti–
ME: I mean my throat hurts
JOCKEY: oh right ok
ME: [under breath] from kissing so many goddamn sexy horses
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
Don’t ask me for advice, i just waited over a minute for an elevator to move before realizing i had not yet selected a floor.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
These pictures of your baby will be adorable. Just stick her in this giant pot with the vegetables. I’ll just add some stock for realism. She’s going to be delicious. Look, she will look delicious.
It’s a bird. It’s a plane. It’s a pedestrian. Seriously, you’re hitting everything with your car.
My 11yo just told me the assignment is “mandatoryish” so he doesn’t actually NEED to do it.
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
Thirty years ago, Jurassic Park gave me hope I might live long enough to see resurrected dinosaurs. The clock’s ticking.
YOGI: Close your eyes and breathe.
ME: [angrily rolling up my mat] I was under the impression this was a picnic and you were a talking bear
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed