Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
You Might Also Like
if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
If you’re hitting the gas every time she tries to open the passenger side door, remember, the 8th time is always the funniest.
[battle]
ME: It’s no good. We gotta quit
SARGE: Quit? I don’t know the meaning of the word
M: It means give up
S: Oh cool. Lets do that
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Q-tips specifically say NOT to put them in your ears yet that’s the only reason we buy them. We are not a species built for survival
Me: hi can I file for an exten—-
My accountant: already done we figured lol
Netflix: we added a show you might like
Me: I’m a complex human with thoughts & emotions you don’t know what I like
Netflix: it’s about two cops hunting a serial killer
Me: go on
Netflix: who fall in love
Me: that sounds ok
Netflix: starring Paul Rudd
Me: *calls in sick*
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
Robocop: I am Robotcop
Criminal: You don’t say the t you robo moron
R: [visibly confused] Pu down he gun you are under arres
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Every so often I’ll tell my son the car is making strange noises and that I need to listen just to get a break from hearing him talk.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
You want to piss off a woman? Hide one shoe.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Inside my chocolate wrapper was a quote that said “Hands are meant to be held.” It made me laugh. Hands are meant to be washed.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Him: Sometimes I worry about you.
Me: Yeah, I worry about me, too.